To give myself freedom, to feel the awesomeness, I didn’t care what others might think of me. I believed what I believed. I did things according to my feelings.
I am not the type of girl who is sleeping around with random guys. I never let myself become that kind of girl. I drink, smoke, and make other girls’ boyfriends mine. Once they fell for me, I broke up with them without a hint for I didn’t really love them. I used them to make myself feel better. I flirted with so many men then I ditched them. “Who cares about what others think”, I thought.
When my mother got a 20 year old boyfriend and when he started to live with us, I ran away from home. It was when I was 15 and I lived alone. I danced in the night clubs and sang in the bars as my part time jobs.
My friends’ parents thought I was a bad influence to their children. I was lost. I didn’t eat much. I didn’t light the room. Every day, I sat in the darkness and smiled at my life. People from different neighborhoods gossiped about me, that I was a slut when they didn’t even know me.
I got tattoos on my neck, wrists, arms and belly. I wore extra small-sized, skimpy outfits to show off my body. I dyed my hair blonde. Several guys approached me, some seriously fell in love with me, and most of them were university students. I didn’t need a boyfriend nor love. I didn’t sleep with them, of course. Then, once again, I became a big man-eater who ruined young students’ future.
I laughed at my life. I laughed at the gossip and everything. I started to feel insecure and sick of all those things people made up about me. I was sick of being judged on my appearance and the clothing I wore.
My apartment was near the university campus. When I sat by my window, I could see every single student walking to school. I used to watch the students every morning sitting by my window. Then, on one beautiful morning, I saw him. That was love at first sight and I obsessively watched him every morning. My life became meaningful. I wanted to change myself for the first time in my life.
I sneaked into the school campus just to watch him closely. I quit my jobs and started to work at fast food restaurants. I bought new clothes. I took cooking class and art classes outside - close to nature. My life was all about him.
It was my happiest moment when he first noticed me. We started to go out and we talked. His sugar coated words made my heart melt. His arms, his kisses, and his eyes brought me to life. He was everything.
“I love you"., those were the words I was hoping to hear from him all the time. The words he never said.
It’s been a year since we've been dating. He said he had something to tell me. The words he never thought he would tell me. My heart was flying.
The time has come, I thought I was dreaming. He gave me a golden brown envelope. My hands were shaking. While I opened the envelope, he said, “Somehow, I figured I shouldn’t end up with a girl like you. I am so sorry, but I had a good time.”
People found my body in front of my apartment the next day. A mess of a site, my body lay lifeless as officials, students, and building staff members surveyed my apartment on the 6th floor.